Greetings from the Land of Perpetual Honking

Dear Kathmandu, First, let me congratulate you on your recent achievement: topping the “Global Liveability Index” for cities where “liveability” is defined as “surviving daily while dodging landslides, power cuts, and existential dread.” As a Dhaka resident, I bow to your mastery of chaos. But let’s be honest—this isn’t a competition. (It’s totally a competition.)

Yours in honking solidarity, Dhaka

Round 1: Bureaucracy Olympics

Event: Who Can Issue a Visa Faster: Snail vs. Glacier

Bangladesh to India: “Dear High Commission, I need a medical visa. Here’s my birth certificate, DNA test, and a sworn affidavit that I’m not a spy.”

India: “But where’s your 2001 handwritten passport? The one eaten by rats in Amsterdam?”

Sri Lanka to Bangladesh: “Remember when you lent us $200 million during our debt crisis? We’ll pay you back… in Ceylon tea.”

Bangladesh:“We accept. But throw in some kottu roti.”

Nepal to Everyone: “Our visa policy: Just show up. If you survive Ring Road, you’re family.”

Pakistan: “We’re busy inventing new levels of inflation. Apply again after the IMF loan.”

Round 2: Traffic Chaos Grand Prix

Dhaka’s Entry: A rickshaw driver performing a U-turn on a flyover while texting, balancing a goat on his lap, and blasting “Bangla Remix of Baby Shark.”

Kathmandu’s Entry: A micro-bus driver swerving around a pothole the size of Lake Rara, shouting “Jaam chha!” (It’s traffic!) as if announcing the weather.

India’s Entry: A cow in Varanasi causing a 3-hour jam. The cow’s name? “Supreme Court.”

Sri Lanka’s Entry: A tuk-tuk driver in Colombo negotiating fuel queues with a samosa bribe.

Pakistan’s Entry: A motorcycle carrying a family of six, a refrigerator, and a live chicken—all while evading a protest march for “Cheap Chai.”

Round 3: Political Theatre

Bangladesh:“We’ve had the same PM since 2009. She’s like a WhatsApp group admin who won’t quit.”

India: “Hold my chai. We’ve got 28 opposition parties and a PM who tweets in ALL CAPS.”

Pakistan: “We jailed our cricket-hero PM. Now we’re auditioning for “Game of Thrones: Islamabad Edition”.”

Nepal: “We’ve had 10 PMs in 12 years. Our record: 9 months, 17 days. Try beating that!”

Sri Lanka: “We burned the President’s house. Tourism slogan: Come for the beaches, stay for the anarchy.”

The “Green Passport” Chronicles

(Excerpt from Zakir’s Travel Diary”: 2009, Guwahati).

Hotel Clerk: “Sorry, no Bangladeshis.”

Me: “But I have cash!”

Clerk: “Cash can’t fix 1971 trauma.”

Me: “...I just want a bed.”

Clerk: “Try the park. But avoid the cows—they’re BJP supporters.”

2024, Indian High Commission:

Officer: “We need every passport you’ve ever owned, including the one eaten by your dog in 2003.”

Me: “What if I write a funny article about you?”

Officer: “Denied. But send me the link.”

Cricket Diplomacy (Because Everything Else Fails)

India to Pakistan: “Let’s play cricket! (But only in Dubai, with 500 snipers.)” Pakistan to India: “We’ll bowl. You bring Kohli. We’ll bring popcorn.”

Bangladesh:“We beat you both in 2015. Still riding that high.”

Sri Lanka: “We won the 1996 World Cup. Let us have this.”

Nepal: “We’ve got Sandeep Lamichhane. And mountains. You?”

The “Who’s Poorer?” Pageant

Pakistan: “Our inflation rate is 40%. A cup of chai costs a kidney.”

Sri Lanka: “We bankrupted a whole country. Top that!”

Bangladesh:“We’re the ‘Next China’™. Please ignore the flooding and labour unrest”.

India: “We have more billionaires than you have electricity.”

Nepal: “We’re poor but picturesque. Our GDP is 80% hashtags.”

United in Chaos: A Modest Proposal

Let’s face it—we’re all gloriously dysfunctional. But here’s the secret: chaos is our culture. South Asia runs on the triple engines of:

1. Jugaad (India’s art of duct-tape fixes).
2. Cholo jai hok (Bangladesh’s “Let’s go anyway” spirit).
3. Ke garne? (Nepal’s “What to do?” shrug).

So why not form a “Coalition of the Unhinged”?

Joint Ventures:

- A Dhaka-Kathmandu direct flight (via a rickshaw and a yak).

- A India-Pakistan cricket match refereed by a Sri Lankan elephant.

- A regional visa powered by “mutual exasperation”.

Closing Time: A Playlist for the Dysfunctional Family

1. “Sab Jag Jayega” (Everyone Will Leave) - Pakistani qawwali remix for IMF negotiations.
2. “Ring Road Rhythms” – Nepali folk-hop feat. honking microbuses.
3. “Chai Break Anthem” – Kolkata street musicians x Dhaka traffic choir.
4. “Kottu Roti Diplomacy” – Sri Lankan bailout beats.
5. “Hum Honge Kamyaab” (We Shall Overcome) – Sung ironically at SAARC summits.

Final Letter

Dear Kathmandu, We’re a mess. But we’re our mess. Let’s keep comparing, complaining, and secretly envying each other’s spice mixes. Because if South Asia were sane, we’d be… Europe. And who wants that?

With love, lactose intolerance, and unresolved border disputes, Dhaka

P.S. – Next summit, let’s serve momos and hilsa on the same plate. Chaos is the ultimate diplomacy.

Zakir Kibria is a writer and nicotine fugitive (once successfully smuggled a lighter through 3 continents). Entrepreneur | Chronicler of Entropy | Cognitive Dissident. Chasing next caffeine fix, immersive auditory haze, free falls. Collector of glances. “Some desires defy gravity.” Email: zk@krishikaaj.com