Owing to the long years of patriarchal regime, the definition of a successful woman in our society has been based on the word ‘tolerant’! It meant that the girl was expected to be calm, soft-spoken, docileand obedient. These admired abilities were to be used to keep her family, in-laws and husband happy. She shouldn’t complain about the household chores, serve tea and sit quietly during gatherings and ultimately provide the family anheirwhether she wanted to or not. These young women fit perfectly into the stereotypical notion of the ideal woman - one that abides by all the societal norms and expectations without daring to question them. This norm has lasted centuries and deep within the society this belief is still strongly held. But with the expansion of women’s education, more universities, the increased wealth to send girls abroad and the ever-increasing exposure to the world on social media, young women are exploring outside the four walls of the traditional house and are seeking now to define who they want to be as women.

Evolving definitions of success

As women embrace this broader perspective of womanhood, they seek to define what success means to them. In a more personalized and diverse way. For many the definitions have their root in financial independence: having pocket money is enough for one person, educating their daughters, and one day having their own money to own a home is another. While race, class and geography do define women’s possibility for success - money remains central.Today, girlsempowered by education are more farsighted and the majority, if not all, are aware that financial independence is key to a secure future. And a pathway to having a voiceand being a key player in decision-making.

Roadmap to success?

This identity for women is new and without their strong will, the forces in their family will encourage them to be in the transitional women’s form; so young women need to find and define their roadmap for success sometimes on their own. From conversation with a lot of young women, we noticed, one common problem was that young women don’t really know how to draw a roadmap. Many young women follow an unspoken roadmap:Bachelor’sdegree by 22, Mastersdegreeat 24, a good paying job by 25 and marriage at 28 or a world tour. They believe completing all these milestones in their checklist diligently will guarantee. But ultimately after years of hard work; when their ideal doesn’t materialize they start questioning: What went wrong? Because they thought this was the way success was supposed to be achieved and suddenly they don’t like the reality of the problems they face. Success is a far more complex than many young girls initially realize. It requires them to know how to manage the achieved success, prevent problems, manage resources wisely and have the ability to deal with problems as they occur. So, the problem of dissatisfaction arises as these aspects were never taken into account or into consideration.

Perceived want vs. Actual want

There is a difference between ‘what you want’ and ‘what you think you want’. Many women lack this clarity. When taking an interview with twelve girls, 17-20 year olds, on what is success for them, they mention success is financial independence. On being asked the question, to choose between (i) a career that is not of their choice but would pay them high money, and (ii) a career of their choice where they would be paid less; they tended to choose the second option. Why?

Oftentimes when asked questions, young women will answer what they think other people want to hear or what would sound good; rather than what they really want to say. This pattern prevents individual ideas from forming and leads to the absence of ownership of the reality of what they are saying. When asked what is important to be successful many women say ‘independence’ and ‘freedom’! But when asked what freedom and independence mean to them, they are unable to answer. For the ones who do answer, they do it with a tone of question:‘Having money’? Getting a job? Starting your own business?’ This shows how young women think they know and understand the concept, as they’ve heard it multiple times, but have never actually given it any deeper thought.There seems to be a contradiction with their definition of success or is it a lack of clarity? While they can answer success for them is financial independence and being able to earn money, their choices show that success for them is being able to pursue a career of their choice regardless of the income.

Picture a woman who has achieved her dreams- what would her priorities be? A 38-year-old married woman with a child who earns a salary of several lakh rupees a month. A successful woman, right? Upon being asked her definition of success, she says success for me is ‘mental peace’. She works all day but the moment she returns home she is greeted by the mother-in-law saying “why don’t you stay at home like the other daughter-in-laws. Your husband is earning well”. “My entire tiredness of the day turns into frustration and rage when I hear this” she says.

Even those who achieve professional success may not feel fulfilled due to the way their family responds to that success. This requires a call for change in the mindset of the family and the society. Until we are able to take pride in the work that our close ones do, we are not creating an environment where they can grow and flourish.

One thing that is changing is how during our mother’s time, sacrifice was seen as a prominent virtue in women. Where our mothers were expected to sacrifice their own desires, today’s women recognize they must be whole to support others. A decade ago, they would think:“what if I divorce my husband, my parents would die of shame”, so she would cling on to that relationship which was no longer a fit for her. During the time of our mothers’ divorce was an unacceptable thought. Nowadays, when it comes to marriage, girls want a partner that is understanding.Now it is much easier for a woman to opt for a divorce in the cases of abuse, neglect, and violence: both physical and mental.

Letting go of the Superwomen Syndrome

Today women no longer need to prove that they are superwomen by juggling more tasks than they can handle. It is more acceptable to say ‘no’ and not agree to do so much work that you have no time to focus on other key areas of your life: health, family, rest and recreation. Success doesn’t mean all women need to come to the forefront or run businesses or be activists. It is about having the power and freedom to make an informed choice. If a woman prefers to be a stay at home, she should be allowed to do that with utmost respect. If that is what she wants and is not under any pressure to conform. This is also closely associated with how the term success is interpreted. Earlier success was defined by societal expectations, standards, material wealth and achievements of career ambitions. Now, success includes varying definitions including elements like happiness, personal fulfillment, satisfaction, balance and more.This indicates a broader cultural shift where success is not viewed only in terms of tangible items but an integration of well-being and personal values. It is not a compulsion to conform to an ideal definition and one is free to define what success means to them.

Women have fought for their rights and have achieved significant progress. However, a lion’s share of the work still remains to be done. While we talk about how women need to be given opportunities, we miss the flipside of the picture. The problem might be efficiently addressed if we look at it from another viewpoint. Even though women have been provided opportunities, why have they not been able to make use of the opportunity? What are the factors that hold them back? Socialization? Cultural norms? Lack of capability? Too many children? A demanding mother-in-law? Fear of failure?

Finding the answers of these questions will enable the system to more effectively address the needs and wants of women and create the necessary changes to support these women to find their own definition of success. This is beneficial for girls as they need to have role models and mentors who they can look up to. This will ultimately benefit families and the workplace as they have capable and informed women that contribute their creativity and wisdom. I believe that women are Nepal’s greatest untapped resources. It is about time we view women as active contributors rather than passive beneficiaries of development.

Success is not a one-size fits all formula. It is about meaning, rewriting your future as you want it to be, and defining success on your own terms. When a woman does so- she quietly challenges centuries of conditioning. This is the kind of success that transforms not just homes but the society as a whole.

(Kharel holds a master’s degree in development studies. She writes on the issues of gender and development.

Koehler is an international management trainer and a coach for those working across cultures.)